The Courtship of Amy Cahill
by SpaghettiGirl
Summary: In which WikiHow provides many life answers.
1. Ian's First Attempt

_Ian's First Attempt to Woo One Amy Cahill_

* * *

It was a hot and humid day, and while most people would have been at home or shopping malls, where air conditioners were, Ian Kabra was pacing in the driveway of one of the largest homes in Boston. If a spectator were to have passed by him, he would have surely gotten some weird looks and perhaps even a call to the police due to his constant muttering. Fortunately, the house was in a rather remote area, so Ian did not get arrested.

"You can do this," he was telling himself over and over again. "You are a Kabra. You are confident. You have attempted murder before. This is nothing."

Just as he finally worked up the courage to walk up to the door, it flung open.

He blinked.

"Ian?"

He nearly died when he heard her voice. It was melodic and sweet, just like humming birds gathering nectar on a warm day like this. Her face was the optimum of perfection, what with her lovely cheekbones and perfect symmetry. Her hair was beautifully braided into the French style and made him want to run his fingers through it. And last but the most wonderful, lavishing, gorgeous aspects of her were her jade green eyes.

"What are you doing here?" Amy asked him rudely, interrupting his train of thought.

"Oh, right," he muttered. Clearing his throat, he began his thoughtfully written out speech. "Amy!" he cried, getting down on one knee and flourishing a bouquet of roses in her face. "Forgive me! That time in Korea was nothing!"

She glared incredulously at him. "Ian. You left me in a cave to die. I don't think it was 'nothing.'"

"Don't you believe in second chances?" he said desperately.

"No," she said bluntly.

"But you're a Madrigal!"

"And you're a Lucian. Now leave."

He scrambled up, arms flailing wildly and the flowers flew out of his hands and attacked her face.

"Ow!" she squawked. "What the he-"

"Profanity, darling," Ian hastily interrupted her while trying to brush red petals from her face.

"What's your problem? Why are these so sharp?" she asked, brushing him off and clutching at her cheeks.

"Amy, they're roses. What did you expect?" Ian stated in an obvious tone.

"And it didn't occur to you to dethrone them before giving them to me?" she snarled.

"No?"

She shoved him out the door while still picking thorns out of her cheek. "Now I'm really not going to forgive you."

"Wait!" he called before she shut the door completely.

"What?" she asked, irritated.

"How about a date?"

"Goodbye Ian."

He stared at the shut door before shouting, "I won't be giving up that easily!"

There was no answer.


	2. Ian's Second Attempt

_Ian's Second Attempt to Woo One Amy Cahill_

* * *

"Alright, Ian. You may have screwed up the first try, but no matter! You'll get her this time."

Ian Kabra paced the floor of his four-star hotel room (he unfortunately could not afford five-star anymore, what with his parents being criminals and all) while nodding his head enthusiastically. "Oh yes! My next attempt at the victim- ahem, the _love of my life_ will surely work."

He stopped walking, staring at the wall. "But what shall I do next? The roses didn't work, though perhaps it would have been a better idea to take the thorns off first." He plopped down on his desk and groaned. "But they were picked from my own gardens! I brought them from bloody England! Isn't it the thought that counts?" he wailed as he buried his head in his arms.

He didn't get it. If roses imported from England didn't work, what would?

Ian was startled from the depths of his despair by a shrill ringing. He cringed. That was probably Natalie, wanting to know where on Earth he absconded off to.

He gingerly picked up the iPhone 9.

_(Yes, the iPhone 9. Ian Kabra obviously had to have the phone three generations ahead, now slimmer and longer than ever.)_

"Hello?" he answered cautiously.

"IAN KABRA!" the annoying voice of his sister screeched. "WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?"

He resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room (_It's an iPhone _9 _for goodness sake, it wouldn't survive that type of impact.)_ and settled for holding it as far from his ear as possible. "In Attleboro, Natalie," he snapped. "Do you mind? I'm trying to woo the love of my life, the apple of mine eye, the shine of my moon-"

"What are you blathering on about now?" Natalie snarled. "There is an auction in about three days that could potentially make us a lot of money and get us back on track if you were here! I need you to swindle those pathetic dealers and you're off frolicking in the Americas of all places?!"

"I do not frolic!" he said, affronted. "And America is a beautiful land." Then, as an afterthought, he added, "I'm not sure I would want to live here though. Do you suppose darling Amy would be willing to move to London with us...?"

Natalie groaned from the other end. "Don't tell me this is about that tasteless Cahill!"

"Why else would I be here?" Ian retorted. "For the food?" He swiveled around to face the window and eyed the sketchy-looking burger joint across the street.

"Whatever!" she shrieked. "Just get back here in time for the auction!"

"But Natalie-"

The line went dead.

Ian stared at the phone in his hand before letting out a long-suffering sigh. "Now I have to woo Amy darling in two days time?" He shook his head sadly before perking up. "Alright Ian! No time to wallow in self-pity! Time to think of ideas!"

He hmmed for a minute before his eyes lit up. "Google should answer this!"

He pulled out his laptop. After typing in Google, he automatically got the answer he was looking for and grinned. Wooing Amy should be a piece of golden nugget.

* * *

_**1\. Get to Know Her!**_ _**Observe her (discreetly) and take note of her likes and dislikes. For example, she might love rock music and despise baseball.**_

* * *

She was laughing at something her friend Emily was saying.

"Really? Oh gosh, he didn't!" Amy snorted before biting into her muffin.

"He did!"

Ian shifted uncomfortably, putting his weight on his right leg. Blast it! This secretly observing her thing was more difficult than he anticipated. Aside from the awful cramping in his legs, he was also on the receiving end of more than a few curious stares. The chef even had the audacity to question his actions.

"Sir? What are you doing crouched behind a plant?"

Ian shushed him forcefully and threw a ten dollar bill in his direction. "I'll take whatever you low-class citizens have- what is it called, a potato? Fry? Something like that."

The chef inspected the bill before giving him an odd look. "We don't take euros here."

Ian's eyes narrowed into slits as he assumed what most people knew as the world-famous Kabra glare. "For heavens sake, can you not see that I am trying to spy on someone?! Just take the money and go!" he snarled as he turned back to his position.

The chef scuttled back into the kitchen, wholly confused and slightly intimidated.

Bloody hell! People these days had no manners whatsoever! Here he was, just trying to casually observe his soon-to-be girlfriend behind a potted plant, and everybody refused to give him the privacy he so rightfully deserved! Nobody understood the meaning of privacy these days-

"I love him. He is officially the cutest person in the whole school."

_Wait, what?_

Ian's attention automatically snapped back to Amy's melodious voice.

"I know, right!" Emily was chuckling. "I couldn't believe he did it at first but the proof was there."

"Omigosh, I love him!" Amy gushed again.

Well. This would be a problem. The WikiHow page had told him to find out her likes and dislikes, but what was he supposed to do when she liked a _boy?_

_..._

_WAIT A MINUTE. SHE LIKED A BOY?_

Ian stood up so fast, the plant fell over and several people jumped including the two girls.

"Ian?" Amy said, confused and startled. "Why are you still here? I thought you had a business meeting in Boston so you just stopped by to say hello... and what are you doing behind a plant?"

He ignored what she was saying and briskly walked up to her booth though his legs were cramping badly from crouching so long. He dramatically slammed a palm onto the table.

"What's this I'm hearing about a boy?" he demanded.

Amy continued to stare at him as if he were insane. "You mean the one Emily is tutoring?"

"Yes! Of course that's who I'm talking about!" he exploded though he in fact, did not know who he was talking about.

Amy glanced and Emily, unsure how to approach the situation. "Well... he's ten but is a bit slow at math so Emily agreed to help him. Yesterday he tried to save her from a cat by putting on a cape and-"

Ian had tuned Amy out from the moment she said the first sentence. He could feel his entire being relaxing, and he gave her sudden a grin instead of the scowl he was previously adorning.

Amy had stopped talking and started looking at him funny again. "Are you alright, Ian?"

"Hmm?" he smiled and nodded. "Yes, yes, of course."

"Okay."

"..."

"..."

"So Amy," he drawled. "About that date..."

Instantly, her mood soured. "I already told you," she said gritting her teeth, "I'm not interested in dating people who have tried to murder me."

"No need to be shy Amy," he said, slyly trying to place his hand over hers.

"Oh my gosh!" she yelled, roughly pulling away. "That's it! We're leaving."

She stood up and stormed towards the door with Emily cautiously placing a few bills on the table and following her. The whole diner was watching the scene play out, some in awe, some in fear.

"Who was he?" Emily asked curiously as they shut the door behind them.

"Just a stalker," Amy muttered.

Emily giggled. "He was cute."

"You can have him."

Ian smiled. She so wanted him.

* * *

**Yay parodies!**

**...Oh yeah, and I don't own WikiHow and I didn't write that article.**


End file.
